And I’m pleased to report that since we saw her last, One-Night Stand has improved her story! She was still hung up on someone else when she slept with This Asshole, you see, and that’s why she didn’t want to give This Asshole her number. But when she saw This Asshole was going to be The Bachelor, she signed up to be on the show not to be famous, but because she thought they were both at the same place finally. And, by the way, she (sorta) DID (kinda) try to reach out to him (maybe), but he was very busy drinking margaritas in Paradise and preparing to be the Bachelor, so, you see, it was really The Producers’ fault she couldn’t get in touch.
“The moment she took her bikini top off,” is the reasonable answer for some women “The time she slept through the rose ceremony,” is the reasonable answer for the rest. This quickly devolves into the women arguing amongst themselves about boobs and naps and whether CorWin is mature enough to be in a relationship with This Asshole in the first place and WHO IS TAYLOR TO JUDGE (aside from having a master’s in psychology and being a practicing therapist) HUH?īut all of that will have to wait, because first Chris Harrison needs to grill One-Night Stand about her one-night stand with This Asshole. We begin with a general, “here’s what happened this season” montage, after which Chris Harrison asks the women when, exactly, the drama with CorWin officially began. And of those women, you probably only remember 11, maybe 12, am I right? Hell, I barely remembered why I called Chipotle that and IT WAS MY NICKNAME FOR HER. The women that were memorable enough to be invited include: Ballsy, One-Night Stand, Ja’ime Private School Girl, Hot Dog, Cameltoe, Terror Watch List, Left Shark, Chipotle, Seen the Breasts? No Panties, Taylor with the Smart Friends, Runner-Up, Warrior Dancer, Nurse Boring, CorWin, That Whitney Lady, Boobs McGee, and Olya Povlatsky. Sorry, Angela! Too bad, Briana! It’s a shame, Ida Marie! Condolences, Other Jasmine! Oh well, Lauren! Pity, Michelle! So sad, Olivia! Maybe next time, Susannah! I would have used their nicknames, but let’s be honest, you don’t remember any of these women and the nicknames would have been utterly meaningless. alone in the saddest and least partying party bus of all time.īack in the Bachelor studio, Chris Harrison introduces some, but not all, of the contestants from this season. Why do they need that whole empty party bus? It would be one thing if they invited some of the more interesting people they meet at the viewing parties to come with them, or if they picked up former contestants along on the way, or if they had the Backstreet Boys give a mini-concert inside the party bus. But NOPE! It’s just Chris Harrison and This Asshole riding around L.A. Why? It’s literally just This Asshole and Chris Harrison and maybe a producer and cameraman driving around Los Angeles for a couple of hours.
But rather of wasting our time writing/reading about This Asshole wandering into strangers’ homes and then hanging out with some, but not all, of the Backstreet Boys, I’d rather discuss Chris Harrison’s and This Asshole’s (and all of the Bachelors’) mode of transportation for the pop-ins: a party bus. We begin this waste of time with the Bachelor tradition that wastes the most time: the pop-ins on viewing parties. Because I am your friend, I am going to save you a bunch of time reading a recap of the tedious montagapalooza/shriekfest that is the annual “The Women Tell All” special and just share with you the best thing about the entire episode:īut if you’re a glutton for punishment and just have to know what happened during the series of boring montages interrupted by an occasional argument, fine: a sociopathic narcissist somehow won the love of the crowd and her fellow competitors while the smart expert is dismissed as a snobby know-it-all.
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